


Passport Slap

by AquilaTempestas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comedy, Friendship, Gen, Humour, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:54:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28107342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquilaTempestas/pseuds/AquilaTempestas
Summary: Never give an angel a passport.
Kudos: 5





	Passport Slap

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually a story I wrote way back in 2010 over on FFN. I took it down because I fell out of love with writing. But I'm back and re-uploading old material.

“So, where exactly are we going?” Dean asked, glancing at his brother.

Sam looked up from his Sudoku puzzle. “We’re flying to Australia. Castiel wants to see a kangaroo,” he explained, giving the angel a sideways glance. Usually, Castiel would transport himself to places but now he was cut off from heaven and didn’t have the power to do that. So Sam suggested that they go by plane. Naturally, Castiel agreed even though he didn’t know what a plane was. Dean on the other hand, surprised Sam by agreeing. He didn’t like planes.

“I do not like this Dean,” said Castiel, looking slightly pale.

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re feeling sick?” He shook his head. He never thought angels could get sick. “I’m not the biggest fan of planes either but please don’t barf.”

“Barf?” Castiel repeated, looking confused.

Dean rolled his eyes. He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation... with an angel nonetheless. “Yeah, barf. Throw up. Vomit?”

“Oh,” was Castiel’s simple reply. Sometimes his vessel had to vomit. It wasn’t a very enlightening experience. He glanced out the window and shuddered.

“Something wrong?”

“It’s a long way down.”

The corners of Dean’s mouth curved into a smile. “You’re afraid of heights? An angel afraid of heights?” he repeated, grinning.

“It’s not funny Dean.”

Dean clapped a hand on Castiel’s shoulder and whispered to Sam. “He’s afraid of heights.”

“Dean, you’re afraid of flying,” said Sam bluntly.

“It’s not the same as a fear of heights,” argued Dean.

Sam sighed. He didn’t see the point in getting into another argument with Dean over trivial matters. Whilst on a hunt for a murderous spirit, Sam had somehow gotten himself into a heated debate with Dean over muffins and cupcakes. Dean believed cupcakes were just mini versions of muffins. Sam had tried explaining to Dean muffins were fibre based, and not desserts like cupcakes. Sam had also pointed out cupcakes had icing and muffins didn’t. The debate had resulted in Dean spending the afternoon baking muffins and cupcakes.

Sam turned away from Dean and looked at Castiel. The angel was indeed looking pale. “Cas, are you alright?”

“I think I’m starting to feel funny,” he responded.

“Stop looking out the window,” suggested Sam.

“I know something that will fix him,” said Dean, a mischievous glint appearing in his eyes.

Sam rolled his eyes. “And what would that be Dean?”

“Watch...” Dean dug into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out his passport. He grinned at Castiel. Castiel was completely oblivious to his surroundings and was caught off guard when Dean slapped him with his passport.

Castiel turned to face Dean. “What are you doing?”

“Making you feel better; trust me, it helps,” he said, slapping Castiel again.

Castiel frowned. Human behaviour confused him. He didn’t have a passport – he had transported himself onto the plane instead. That small task almost wore him out but he managed. “Stop it Dean.”

Dean slapped Sam with the passport. “PASSPORT SLAP!” he shouted.

“Passport slap?” Sam echoed, clearly not amused by Dean’s action. “I’ll show you a passport slap!” he added threateningly. He didn’t appreciate being slapped by a passport. He preferred to bitch slap instead. “I feel like I wanna smack somebody, turn around and bitchslap somebody!” he sung, glaring at Dean.

“Bitchslap? Is that a human thing?” Castiel questioned looking at Dean, eyebrows raised.

“It’s a Winchester thing. Dad started it when we were younger. Used it as a form of punishment when I refused to dress up as Santa for Christmas,” he grumbled. Talking about his past was painful. They usually brought back painful memories of him skipping and playing dress-ups for Sam. He shivered. _Bad times,_ he thought. _Very bad times indeed._ “Anyway... enough about the past. PASSPORT SLAP!” he yelled, slapping Sam again.

Castiel frowned. “I want to play.”

“You need a passport Cas,” Dean reminded him. “You don’t have one.”

Sam sighed and handed Castiel his passport. “Go crazy,” he said, glancing back down at his Sudoko puzzle.

Castiel thanked Sam and grabbed the passport. He glanced down at it and frowned. “What’s a passport for?”

“It’s a document that allows you to travel,” explained Dean simply. “If you want technical details, ask Sam.” He nudged Sam with his elbow. “He’s the nerd.”

Sam glanced up from his puzzle. “Thanks Dean,” he muttered sarcastically.

“How do I play this game?”

“Easy. You hold the passport and you hit someone with it. You shout, ‘Passport Slap’ when you hit them,” explained Dean. “It’s really easy to play. I’ll go first.” Dean slapped Castiel and shouted, “PASSPORT SLAP!”

Of course, the passport didn’t hurt Castiel. He didn’t even flinch - just looked at Dean blankly. “Passport slap,” he said, slapping Dean with Sam’s passport.

“You need to be energetic Cas,” said Dean, shaking his head. “Louder. Like this, “PASSPORT SLAP!” By this point in time, the other passengers on the plane were looking at them strangely.

“Passport slap!” Castiel shouted, slapping Dean again.

Dean shook his head, disappointed by his attempts. “Come on Cas, you can do better than that. Show me some angel power.”

Castiel looked at the passport and then at Dean. “PASSPORT SLAP!” he shouted, slapping Dean with full force.

“OW!” Dean yelped, clutching his arm. “That hurt Cas,” he whined.

“You told me to show you some angel power,” he repeated.

Dean grumbled, snatched Sam’s passport and turned away from Castiel. “It was a bad idea allowing Cas to play,” he said to Sam.

“Hey, you sat next to him,” remarked Sam.

“Not funny Sam.”

.

Castiel was quite impressed with himself. He had masted the human game of Passport Slap. The game still remained confusing to him but at least the instructions were simple to follow. All you had to do was hit someone with a passport and shout, ‘PASSPORT SLAP!’ Although very simple, the game was quite amusing. “Dean, I have to go,” Castiel said, turning to face Dean.

“Cas, where are you going?” Dean asked, confused. They were still in the plane flying towards their destination.

“To see the other angels. Can I borrow your passports?” Castiel asked, glancing at Dean’s and Sam’s passports.

Dean raised an eyebrow, slightly confused by Castiel’s odd request. “Uh... okay... make sure you give it back though okay?”

Castiel nodded and without saying ‘goodbye’, he vanished. In less than a few seconds, he had arrived at angel school. The other angels were deep in discussion about the upcoming war and were oblivious to his arrival. “Brothers and sisters, I bring great news!” Castiel said, running into the room waving the two passports around in the air.

“Has Dean agreed to become Michael’s vessel?” Zachariah asked, sounding hopeful.

Castiel shook his head. “Even better!”

The other angels exchanged confused and excited looks. What news could Castiel possibly have? “Speak brother!”

“Let me show you.” Castiel walked up to Zachariah and slapped him. “PASSPORT SLAP!” he exclaimed loudly.

“What is the meaning of this?” Zachariah replied, holding up his arms up protectively. Why on earth was Castiel attacking him? “Whose side are you on?” A look of fear crossed his features. “You’re not on _his_ side are you?” he asked warily, referring to Lucifer.

Castiel shook his head. “Dean taught me a game.”

“Castiel, this is no time to play games!” Anna scolded.

Castiel frowned and walked up to her. “PASSPORT SLAP!” he shouted, slapping her with the passport.

Anna grabbed Sam’s passport and hit Castiel with it. “Didn’t our father tell you not to hit girls?” she demanded, glaring at him. Castiel shuddered under her intense glare. It wasn’t fair. All he wanted to do was play games. Was that too much to ask for?

Castiel pouted and looked down at the ground sadly. “I just wanted to play a game...”

Zachariah stood up from his chair and walked over to Castiel, a stern expression on his face. “Here’s a game for you. Take those passports and slap Lucifer,” he stated plainly. He rolled his eyes. “I’m sure he’ll be happy,” he added sarcastically.

Castiel’s eyes brightened. Passport slapping Lucifer would be quite interesting. Perhaps he could destroy Lucifer... which would mean Dean wouldn’t have to say ‘yes’ to Michael. Oh, and Sam wouldn’t become Lucifer’s vessel. “I can destroy Lucifer with this passport!” he declared proudly.

Anna rolled her eyes. No wonder Raphael killed him. She sighed. “Impossible Castiel,” she said, frowning.

“PASSPORT SLAP!” Castiel shouted, slapping her again.

Like the first time, Anna retaliated and slapped him back. She smirked when Castiel took a step back from her. He was scared. The coward. Without sparing another word, she chased after Castiel and slapped him again with the passport. The game was actually quite fun. Perhaps Castiel was right. Maybe they could destroy Lucifer by slapping him...

Zachariah groaned. He was not impressed. “Children! Stop this nonsense!” he shouted, holding his hands up in the air. “We have serious things to discuss and you’re both playing a stupid human game.”

Raphael and Gabriel both exchanged looks. These humans could be so troublesome... but that game certainly sounded like fun. Not as fun as playing tricks on people of course but it was better than listening to Zachariah prattle on about Lucifer. Who put him in charge anyway? “Hand over the passport Castiel,” ordered Raphael, whilst Gabriel played with his deck of cards.

Castiel didn’t dare disagree. After all, Raphael had already killed him once. He didn’t want to be killed again. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Castiel handed over the passport. “Now... you have to shout, ‘PASSPORT SLAP’ when you hit someone okay?”

Raphael nodded and took the passport. “PASSPORT SLAP!” he shouted, slapping Gabriel.

Gabriel fell out of his chair, his deck of cards scattering all over the place. “Anna... give me the passport,” he ordered, voice low and threatening. Anna obeyed, and handed the passport over excitedly. She was looking forward to seeing them fight; she’d always wanted to know who was stronger. “This is for knocking over my castle of cards... PASSPORT SLAP!” Gabriel shouted, slapping Raphael causing him to fall off his chair.

.

Soon, Raphael and Gabriel were engaged in a passport slapping frenzy. The other angels watched warily, hoping neither arch angel would unleash their full power. “Someone... stop them now before they destroy the place!” Zachariah yelped, ducking under his chair.

A few more chairs flew around the room when Michael finally arrived. He had been busy talking to his Father about the upcoming battle and forgotten to check up on his fellow brothers and sisters. He had only remembered when his Father reminded him. “What are you doing?” he demanded. All passport slapping activities ceased. “Answer me!”

Castiel looked up at him meekly. “We’re playing Passport Slap,” he said, hoping Michael wouldn’t get angry with him. Getting killed by an arch-angel was bad enough, but getting killed by Michael would be a hundred times worse. “Dean invented it.”

“Dean... my true vessel right?”

The other angels nodded and looked at each other confused. How could Michael have forgotten?

“Give me the passports now,” he ordered calmly.

Raphael and Gabriel looked down at the passports and reluctantly handed them over to Michael.

“How do you play this... Passport Slap?”

Castiel stepped forward eager to help. “You slap someone and shout, ‘PASSPORT SLAP!’”

Michael rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Very interesting... I wonder...”

“What do you wonder?” Anna asked.

“Castiel, I want you to accompany me on my journey,” he said, suddenly turning his attention on Castiel. “You know the game better than any other angel.”

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to visit a certain fallen angel...” Michael glanced down at the passports in his hand. If this worked then Dean wouldn’t become his vessel. The thought disappointed him; he wouldn’t mind getting in Dean but he’d try to defeat him the easy way. “Come on Castiel, we must get going.”

Castiel waved goodbye to the other angels and stood by Michael’s side.

.

It was time. In less than an hour, Michael and Castiel would confront Lucifer. It was time to bring the Devil down and finish all this crap. Michael glanced down at Dean’s passport. He was a little disappointed he didn’t get to use Dean, but at least he had his passport. It was better than nothing anyway. “Do you have Sam’s passport?” Michael asked, daring not to touch it. That thing was tainted.

Castiel nodded and smiled, holding the passport up in the air. It may be tainted, but at least he had something to use when the fight began. Couldn’t fight unarmed that’s for sure. “I am ready to fight,” he said solemnly, holding the passport close to his chest. Why didn’t his vessel have a passport? He frowned. “Do you think Lucifer has a passport?” he asked, turning to face Michael.

Michael rubbed his chin thoughtfully, considering Castiel’s question. “I’m not sure actually, I doubt it...” What if Lucifer had obtained a fake passport? He wouldn’t put it past his younger brother. He was evil like that which is why he had to stop him. “We must stop him before he takes over the planet,” he said quietly.

Castiel didn’t need to reply. He knew how important it was to put an end to the Devil. “What if the passport doesn’t work?”

“Then we run away as fast as can,” Michael replied. “I can only defeat Lucifer using Dean,” he explained. “It’s in the bloodline,” he added.

“Ok,” said Castiel. He wasn’t going to ask for an explanation. He knew Michael would launch into a long, detailed expression about the Winchesters. The last time he had asked, he was forced to spend more than ten hours listening to Michael speak. It was very boring indeed. He shuddered visibly. Anything was better than that. “You could always bore Lucifer with your bedtime stories?” Castiel suggested.

“My stories aren’t boring!” Michael replied, deeply offended. Then he frowned. “If they were exciting then you’d never fall asleep!” he counter-argued, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive manner. “Little brothers...” he muttered quietly under his breath. “So much trouble...”

Castiel suddenly jumped up and down excitedly. “Ooh, is that his household over there?” he said, pointing at a tiny cottage just up the road.

Michael nodded grimly. “Yes, he lives in a cottage.”

“I was expecting something more evil and sinister,” Castiel replied, confused. “I mean, seriously? A cottage?”

Michael shrugged. “Guess he couldn’t afford anything else,” he explained. “I mean house prices are rising.” He sighed deeply. “Are you ready, Castiel?”

Castiel nodded. “Let’s do this!”

.

Inside the little cottage, Lucifer sat down at the kitchen table playing cards with his ‘friends’ Meg and Alistair. “Meg, do you have any threes?”

Meg shook her head. “Go Fish.”

Lucifer pouted. He sucked at this game. “I hate this game, can we play something else?”

Alistair and Meg exchanged glances. Lucifer always got sulky when he was losing something. “Um... we could play Uno? Or Speed?” Meg suggested.

Lucifer frowned. “I hate those games, I always lose.”

“You’re such a sore loser, Lucifer,” Meg scolded. “Someone always has to lose and that just happens to be you. You know, you can’t be good at everything,” she said, giving him a sideways glance. Lucifer laid down his cards on the table, stood up and stormed over to his fridge. Grabbing the fridge handle, he pulled it open and grabbed a few beers. He threw a bottle over to Meg and one at Alistair. “Beer?” she asked, glancing down at the bottle and back over at Lucifer.

Lucifer shrugged. “I like beer. Anyway... have you heard anything about the Winchesters or my dear brother yet?”

Alistair shook his head and looked at Meg who also shook her head. “No idea, boss.”

Lucifer sighed and walked over to the window when suddenly, his door was blown off its hinges. “What the hell?”

“Ah, hello Lucifer,” said Michael, as he entered the cottage. “Nice place you have.”

“I couldn’t afford a mansion,” he replied bitterly. “What are you doing here?”

“I want to play a game with you little brother,” Michael said, reaching down into his pocket for Dean’s passport.

Meg stepped forward. “You don’t wanna play games with Lucifer, he’s a sore loser.”

Lucifer was deeply offended by this comment and glared at both Meg and Alistair. “Get out of here Meg! You too Alistair!” he ordered. Meg and Alistair quickly scurried away as ordered. Lucifer turned back to face Michael. “What game?”

“This!” Michael yelled, and suddenly slapped Lucifer with Dean’s passport. “PASSPORT SLAP!”

“AAAARRRGGGHHHH!” Lucifer shouted, as the paper document cut into his skin. “Paper cut!” He glanced down at the wound and was surprised to see blood seep out of the cut. He looked at the passport fearfully. “Where did you get that?”

“From my vessel, Dean,” Michael replied slyly. Who knew the passport could actually damage Lucifer? He slapped him again for good measure. “PASSPORT SLAP!”

Castiel pulled on Michael’s shirt. “I want to have a go,” he whined.

Michael sighed. “Oh ok your turn.” He passed the passport to Castiel.

“PASSPORT SLAP!” Castiel shouted, whacking Lucifer.

Lucifer jumped back in fright. The passport couldn’t actually kill him, but it could severely wound his already disintegrating vessel. He held up his hands defensively. “Please stop!” he pleaded. “I’ll do anything!”

Michael stopped and considered this. “Anything? Well, can you just stay still and let me hit you until you die?” he asked.

Lucifer glared. “Not funny Michael.”

“Well ok, how about this? Go to Hell.”

“That’s not very nice.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Okay, how about I take you back with me to see our Father? He can give you a fitting punishment.”

Lucifer opened his mouth to argue, but fell silent when Michael threatened to hit him again with the passport. He slumped his shoulders and looked down at the floor. “Alright, alright, I surrender.”

“That’s it? I was expecting something more,” Castiel said, disappointed. He had to return the passports to the Winchester boys now. He really had to get his own passport. Maybe Dean and Sam would help him?

“If anyone asks, tell them it was a very deadly, brutal fight, ok?” Michael said. “We fought to the end and Lucifer resigned and decided to face punishment from our Father instead. Is that understood?” Castiel nodded. “Good, let’s head back to Heaven now.”

“I need to return the passports to the Winchesters,” said Castiel, grabbing Dean’s passport from Michael. “I will see you both later. Goodbye.” And without sparing another word, Castiel transported himself back to the plane. “I am back and here are your passports,” he said, handing them back to their respective owners.

“Where the hell have you been?” Dean asked. “You missed lunch,” he added, pointing to the plane food on his table.

“It’s a long story...” And for the remainder of the flight, Castiel told Sam and Dean about the epic fight between the two brothers.

**Author's Note:**

> On a random side note, I’m looking for other writers (and gamers) to join a writing and video gaming forum I own (we also have a Discord server). If you’re keen, just follow the link below –
> 
> https://theartistszone.com  
> or  
> https://discord.gg/vMVsbKn


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